Not all heroes wear masks. Just ask Boris.
Boris Johnson being called a hero reminds me of The Simpsons episode where Bart has the whole town convinced imaginary Timmy O’Toole fell down a well. Homer calls the kid a hero. When Lisa asks why falling down a well makes him a hero Homer snaps back, “Well it’s more than you’ve done!”
I imagine this conversation is being recreated across the country in regards to Boris Johnson’s recovery. Boris (admittedly through no fault of his own) has somehow become the unsung hero who stood in front of the virus and absorbed its blows for the good of the nation. And as Coronavirus forces families to grapple with the already difficult reality of being thrust together permanently, watching their relationships age in dog years, generational struggles only reserved for holidays are now boiling to the surface almost daily.
The “Boris Johnson as hero” flint has no doubt lit many a fire in front rooms everywhere. Let me clear it up for you — he’s not a hero. Some feel that it’s never okay to criticize a government during wartime, but we should never confuse dissent with disloyalty. And currently, this government, even while their heroic leader remains sidelined, needs to be scrutinised.
Contracting the disease we’re fighting shouldn’t alleviate Boris from the pressures of how his government got us in this mess in the first place. Of course he should be allowed to recover, and our sympathies should be with him and everyone who has struggled, but when he has recovered, he and his poorly assembled IKEA cabinet should be pressed and pressed hard as to why this situation has been allowed to spiral so spectacularly out of control.
Stop trying to distil this pandemic into workable taglines and take responsibility.
There have been whispers that much of the media has been told to “go easy” on ministers. Apparently their precious egos don’t need to hear how badly they’re failing the nation, so let’s keep the truth to a minimum, shall we? Don’t lie, but maybe just lower your voices when questioning Priti Patel. And use small words when talking to Alok Sharma. Let’s go for a three-syllable limit shall we. God knows Gove’s got enough to deal with his, so don’t mention that he’s testing his daughter ahead of care workers. That’s not kosher, BBC.
What is clear is that the government is increasingly at its wits end with this country’s blatant attempt to find out when we’ll legally be allowed outside again. Hancock is throwing tantrums every time he’s asked to veer away from his carefully crafted script – a spin doctor worked hard on this script! We paid a copywriter £50K for this tagline. How dare you try to squeeze more out out of me. I am not a tube of toothpaste!
The government seems to have underestimated how long they could hide behind podiums adorned with single-minded messages and public is quickly tiring of slogans without action.
There are clearly questions that need to be answered, and quickly. On everything from testing to lockout restrictions easing, the public has a right to question the government, yet each day the press conferences descend further into puff pieces for a Government that have lost so much touch with reality they think shoutouts to their own constituencies during health debrieings is appropriate. Mr. Hancock, I’d maybe care more about West Suffolk if I knew when I might get to visit it.
Alastair Campbell wrote an excellent article on the 20 questions we need to ask, and most have still have gone unanswered. Instead, the press conferences have devolved into chest-beating exercises, with papers asking questions aimed to elicit a headline they’ve already written. The only thing I’ve learned from these mockeries of media consumption is how humdrum the houses of our reporters are.
Campbell’s first question was whether the decision to allow 250,000 people to watch some horses run after WHO declared it a pandemic a good one? At the very least they could have named a race after the disease that would soon wipe out so many of the unknowing pundits. Festival organiser’s maintained they followed government advice after extensive Government consultation. Funny way to say, “We wanted to make money, hope that’s okay.” Why has this not been answered by the government? Why has an apology not been issued? Simply because this is a government that prefers taglines and heroes to taking responsibility for their inactions.
Debate will rage as to whether the Government’s approach was the right one and as the government is quick to point out, This is unprecedented! Which is the schoolyard equivalent of, “I didn’t know inflammable and flammable meant the same thing, Miss!” But as every first year law student knows, ignorance is not an excuse. While the UK was off to the races, other countries were already taking strict measures. When countries with smaller populations were already struggling to contain the outbreak, did our government honestly believe that British resolve would see us through? The fact is we’re still in Brexit mode, where taglines still work and poster boys are still required. I guess the We Survived The Blitz rhetoric worked once recently, maybe it’d work again.
They’re looking for a quick fix. Their messages summed up in a four words or less. If anyone was still allowed out they’d put it on the side of a bus. I half expect them to wheel out a new superhero — Pandemicman! Fighter of justice! Washer of hands!
Anyway, back to Boris poking his head over the trenches and getting his ears shot off. Catching a disease doesn’t make you a hero, no matter how often the government PR spin it that way. Opting to disregard your own Government’s advice after waiting too long as the tanks crossed the border in the first place doesn’t make you fit to wear a cape.
Let us remind ourselves that Boris Johnson once said he thought the Mayor in Jaws was the real hero of that movie. The fashion disaster, grey haired human blister that despite limbs washing ashore, wanted to keep the beaches open to preserve the fragile economy. Not sure why we bothered following Martin Brody on the boat; the film should have focused on the resolve of the councilman as they tried to convince themselves that it was the fisherman to blame for not catching the shark’s food source quick enough. It would have been apt if the Mayor had been eaten. Sadly, as we see in the second Jaws, he not only survives, he gets reelected.
Perhaps there’s an undercurrent of guilt squelching from the citizens calling Boris a hero. Perhaps the fact he contracted Coronavirus indicates to them that there was nothing anyone could have done. But these are the same people that clapped for the carers on Thursday then had a barbeque with all the neighbours on the weekend. We’re staying home and saving lives, what does it matter if people from down the road pop over? No doubt they recite the government’s own taglines as the smell of burning sausages wafts its way over to the hospitals where nurses and doctors are dying in their droves.
Oh well, another Clap for Carers on Thursday should assuage the guilt. Make sure you film it so everybody knows how much you care. While I applaud all the health care workers and everyone who is working, a clap is the most Ayn Rand way of showing it. Marketers in Downing Street have worked masterfully to produce taglines for all occasions.
The hijacking of Clap for Carers was a masterstroke, proving both to be a cheap and easy way of thanking the essential workers without having to pay them extra. Whoever in the government found the stirrings on social media would have been honoured with a copy of Atlas Shrugged if they didn’t already had four copies at home propping up their Forex monitors.
Furthermore, the brilliant notion of labeling carers as heroes also meant they wouldn’t need to compensate them anymore for it — Assistant to the regional manager — because after all, real heroes don’t ask for money. Don’t see Superman asking for cost of living increase do you?
It’s a strategy so brilliant, it could have come from the playbook of a man who supposedly questioned whether a few dying pensioners was really worth the economy. And next time the nurses do ask for an increase in wages, the government can easily just moan and say, What do you think all that free parking was about?
The fact is, the essential workers I’ve talked to don’t consider themselves heroes at all; many even cringe at the clap. They reflect they feel they’re actually closer to martyrs. They’re being sacrificed and thrown in the volcano without any adequate equipment for the benefit of a few free chicken legs from KFC. I spoke to a woman who was petrified of going into work every day. Of course she’d rather stay home. But that horror was only trumped by the terror of not being able to pay her rent. They’re doing their jobs, going above and beyond on the front line and they should be applauded; but applause doesn’t pay their bills. Keep your free Pret, and instead maybe next time save the money you were going to spend on the Trifecta in race 3 and give them a pay rise.
What’s most cringe worthy is the government’s blatant waving of the NHS flag as if they’ve always been lifelong supporters. This is the same government that refused to give them a pay rise, cheered when they won a vote denying them one and then drove the NHS to near breaking point for ten years.
Hancock yesterday began his press conference by thanking a 99-year old war veteran for raising over £9mil for the NHS by walking lengths in his backyard. He’s the real hero. Or today’s hero. He’s a hero anyway. Like Boris. Remember him?
This story would be heartwarming if it wasn’t so tragically ironic that our health service is so underfunded that we’re getting our war veterans to raise money for it. There was almost a scowl in Hancock’s face that seemed to suggest that if this carries on much longer the rest of us will have to get into the backyards for the NHS. If only there was a way to monetize that clapping, eh Matt? Stay home. Safe lives, guys. Says so right here on the podium. Also…hundreds dead, blah blah blah.
If you thought Hancock couldn’t get any more embarrassing, he managed it only seconds later by tapping a brand new badge for carers that’s actually been around for years. He beamed the way stupid media trained cretins do in the hopes that the shiny object would distract us magpies from yet another press conference where they fail to tell us how we’re getting out of this. Smile and nod Matt. Smile and nod. If it helps, imagine you’re scalding a dog or talking down to a welfare child. If you could talk about tragedy a few more times, they’d really help us out. All else fails, tap the new badge and spew the stay homes, safe lives line again and again.
I could deal with all this if the patronizing grackles running the country didn’t insist we’re not smart enough to absorb two messages at once. Advertising campaigns are most effective when they’re single minded, but they’re not selling toilet paper, they’re intruding on civil liberties daily — the least they could is tell us when they’re going to stop.
But it’s now become blatantly clear there is no strategy. They’ve run out of ideas and without Boris at the helm, there’s a power vacuum that’s left them limp. Instead of pushing ahead, they’re merely parading old ideas as new ones and when questioned they’re saying the political equivalent of “Well, it’s more than you’ve done!”
They’re buying time until they can wheel their hero Borisin a cape and hide behind him the way kids hide behind their racist Grandma at Christmas. He’ll praise the NHS, say that we can all survive this and unveil a brand new Four more weeks in lock down slogan. When pushed over why people who started self-employment last year get nothing, someone will intervene and say, “Come on now, you wouldn’t hit a sick person, would you? He’s a hero after all.”
Gotta go — I’ve got to walk lengths of my backyard now.
